Agoraphobia, Leave Me Alone!

Today is my wedding anniversary.  It is also six weeks since a psychiatrist came to my home, very openly displayed her disgust with Deaf people, told me how extremely unimportant I am, prescribed a medication that would have exacerbated the problem and then left.

I have been house-bound for almost five months now due to my Agoraphobia with Panic Disorder enclosing me in its shatter-proof bottle, leaving barely enough room for air.  Three weeks ago, a new psychiatrist came to my home, prescribed the correct medication, and I have since been able to leave my house twice – both times with my husband – for very short amounts of time before the bottle found me and trapped me inside once more.

agoraphobia-3

I set myself a goal.  That goal arrived today.  My goal:  On my wedding anniversary, I will dine OUT with my husband and celebrate.  Half of me is right now very excited, especially when I look into my husband’s eyes and see hope, happiness, strength and love.  He has faith in me.  To him, it does not matter that his wife is Deaf.  He learned to sign so that he could communicate with me.  He is by my side when I need him the most.  So why is the other half of me dreading our dinner date?  I know that he will be right there with me.  I know that it is a special occasion.  Yet still, I have this irrational fear that just won’t leave me alone.

Outside, it is pouring rain.  The rain is turning the snow into translucent mush and ice.  Luckily, we do not leave the house for another three hours.  With luck, it will be snowing again before we leave and the outside world will be beautiful when I breathe in the fresh air.  I want to know the feeling of snow on my face once again, and I want to do this.  I want to leave the house today and celebrate our special day… not just for him but for us.

Agoraphobia, it is time to pack your bags.  Please, you have worn out your welcome yet again.  Even if you won’t leave, just let me have today….

– Rosie xx

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